My Best Mans Speech

February 26 2013

Being best man at Jon Bounds wedding has been eating a whole bunch of time recently so not a lot of time spent writing – I got something coming in May's Area Magazine that I will plug on my twitter account. In the meantime you guys can have a look at the text for my speech. Its not a particularly great bit of writing, and to be honest I made up a bunch of stuff when I came to deliver it, but most of the bones are here, and yes, it IS cynical to put in a pause where you intend to emulate an emotion.

First of all I'd like to thank Adam, my co-best man who has covered my inadequacies from the very start. Although Both me and Adam know that the only reason we we're asked for this job is because Poppy can't give a speech.

For those that don't know me my name is Danny or as I'm known on the internet 'probablydrunk' and to answer the inherent question in that name, 'not yet'. But I hope you'll all join me in sorting that out later on.

I've never been a best man before and naturally was honoured to be asked. – actually this isn't true. I received a text. The text read 'what do you know about being a best man?' I text back 'nothing why?' and he texted back 'you best buy a book then'. And didn't call me for two weeks.

I can see Jon's naturally nervous, you see I do have a bit of a reputation for salty language. But I've promised him not to f….

[changes to the next card]

…orget there may be children in the room, so errrm [throwing away cards from my speech ]I suppose that ones out, and that one, definitely those, and the whole section about the petting zoo cant stay in.

First of all a big thank you to all the bridesmaids who I think we will all agree look amazing on this {weather} day, and the ushers who Jon trusted the important job of showing people how to sit down.


Its traditional to relay embarrassing stories about the groom in this situation, but when I came to writing this speech I realised how savvy Jon had been picking me. You every truly embarrassing stories I have about him, I'm was there with him being equally if not more so embarrassing or I was there so drunk only he remembers.

I mean I could talk about the stag do. But the first rule of Jons stag do is…

I know Jon from the internets, and we got to know each other well on the various creative projects we've done. Drinking in all the independent pubs in Birmingham in a day, the magazine we published and travelling to all the working piers in England and Wales in 10 days. When you share a car and tent with someone for 10 days straight you get to know some one pretty well. Here's the things I learnt about Jon.

He's not very practical – the first night we stopped in the tent on the trip, it was pitch black when we arrived at the campsite, it was high on a hill near the coast so very windy, and I'd never put the tent up before. Now seeing as a tent is essentially a large sail and I was tired, a little drunk and being lit by our driver midge this wasn't the easiest thing in the world. And how do you think Jon helped?

Yes, by looking out to sea and reciting war poetry at us until we swore at him.

I also learnt his memory isn't the best, he lost his towel at the first campsite, his wash kit at the second and on the Isle of Wight I found a bag,

'Is this your bag Jon'

'Nope, ask midge'

'Midge is this your bag?

Midge says no but it looks like Jons

'Jon are you sure its not your bag?'



'Its not mine'

So we left it there.

It was somewhere around Bogner Regis when Jon stops dead in his tracks, turns to me and says

'That was my bag, we cant go back can we?'

We didn't go back.

And the third thing I learnt is that despite these superficial faults, he's a kind, generous and incredibly smart human being. And lets face it – he must be, because Libby is a wonderful, equally smart and, I think we'll all agree, stunning lady.

Being someone who likes to describe themselves as a 'writer' you wouldn't believe how much I struggled with this speech. How do you articulate happiness, how do you put stock phrase like 'best wishes' and 'long and happy future' in stupid words? You can't. Wittgenstein said 'What we cannot speak about we must pass over in silence.' so allow me a couple of seconds to not speak and try and let you both know the way I feel.

[pause, with tears in my eyes]

I'd like to thank everyone for putting up with this speech and for making it here, I know it means a lot to the couple and if you'll all be upstanding I'd like you all to join me in a toast to the bride, the groom and the Dog.


Being Best Man I was entrusted with Jon and Libby's wedding certificate, being me and because I HATE public speaking, I burnt it.


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